wrapping up the past month

sunday, november 5, 2023

hello diary, long time no see!! i feel like i've had quite the eventful month since i last wrote, even if it wasn't really all that eventful. it just felt full and mostly happy, so i wanted to go through some of it here.

what's the haps

first of all, i finished up my contract at my office job! you are looking at an unemployed bitch lmfao... i had a really good time at my job, and have so much affection for my coworkers. they made the duration of my time there really fun. the nature of my job makes it easy to go back and visit them (which i've done), and it's nice to know i can go and work on my own stuff alongside them if i need a dose of socialization.

i'm not looking for anything new at the moment, because my ass is back in school to get certified to do the job i actually want to pursue. it's an online program that'll take up about a year, but so far it's been good. i actually restarted it after taking a year+ long leave... i got put in a group of totally new people, but i like them a lot more than my old cohort. the leave turned out to be for the best!!!

while i study, i'm hoping to do commissions to sustain myself LMAO. i've yet to put up a commission page on my site, but i'll do that soon.

media log

it all sounds very exciting, but actually most days, i'm just at home on my computer. still, i relish in the free time this allows me – and have been relishing in it so hard that i've been more media-crazy this month than i usually am. here's a highlight reel of obsessions.

fire emblem warriors: three hopes. i've been slowly working through golden wildfire, my last route to complete. then i saw that the fe datamine had uploaded their incomplete hopes datamine and i started playing with a bit more gusto!

hopes is fun because i like just slashing through things (i've never played a game like this before though!) and i love how dimilix it is, but i was sad to not see much food for my otp yuridetta and so was less invested in it from the get go. i also don't care much for the storylines here – no idea what claude is doing with this federation – though i wasn't particularly heavy on the lore in houses either. but i hope to finish golden wildfire quickly so i can return to my loves, the blue lions, with my newfound energy.

mutant mayhem still lmfao. i've gone so far as to make a donnie log for my donnie brainrot on this site (with an atom feed to boot!), but i'm too shy to have the link anywhere yet... plus i haven't updated it with everything just yet. it's quite nice to have a specific log for character brainrot though – very easy to find old thoughts! i wonder if i should start one for raph as well, because he is my second favorite...

the amazing digital circus, surprisingly. i thought i'd just watch it and casually stay updated since it's in my realm of the internet (like with helluva boss)... but i really like pomni (as a kobeni-type liker), and predictably like jax, and i started liking them together after i saw some fanart that made me realize they were just a weird fucked up yuridetta lmao. my best friend and i have built up our own lore for the two of them and i'm obsessed. fandom can just be you and a pal in the discord DMs.

devil's candy. my sister lent me volumes one and two of this comic and i ATE THEM UP and spent the day binging the rest of the webcomic. it's SUCH a well designed world with amazing art and lovable characters... it's not often i love every character, so this is crazy to me! it's so well-paced with impeccable humor... it's perfect i fear. i feel so indulged by all the cute shotas, but surprisingly (or unsurprisingly) my favorite is tremolo bloodstorm serpentlord. the fact that he has a homeless arc is so me-catered.

phantom thread. i watched this just the other night and for the past few days i haven't been able to stop thinking about it. why can't i have a 60 year old man to consensually poison and then heal and then poison and then heal......... this deserves its own page on my site because truly what the fuck. i think this is my favorite movie now! love love love psychosexual back and forth. also this is my first daniel day-lewis film and i'm a believer now (he has a very handsome nose also), but DAMN vicky krieps!

personal work... i've gotten some character designs down for the comic i mentioned last august and am starting to piece the story together. i get nervous about working on OCs in full narrative projects (rather than just doing some sketches whenever i feel like it) because i don't know if i care about them enough yet to draw them that much, but i'm happy i've gotten there with my fruit kids!! i'm excited to draw them more!

i also got some charms made of my little guy cupid. i'll attach a picture when i'm not too lazy to do it.

other things i saw/read/etc:

i'm very happy with all the things i've seen/read/played in the past month or so. i feel like i'm getting better at selecting stuff and spending time/money on what i know i'll enjoy rather than pushing myself to immerse myself in something i only half-like or think i should enjoy for xyz reason. i'm also getting better at just paying attention to stuff i like (in fandom) and ignoring the rest. a win!

sitely things

sitewise, i had a burst of energy at the start of the month (post-contract lol) but am generally taking it easy. i'm intimidated by the things on this list that i definitely want to dedicate a page to (phantom thread, maybe devil's candy) but i'll get to it when i get to it.

i disabled my neocities profile first in september, and then made the decision to do so permanently this month. last time i spoke about it, i was contemplating it because i felt a pressure to be updating regularly and was swayed by the numbers on there, but later i realized i also just... felt tired of what was on my feed. i feel like i got swept up in the excitement of the "tiny web" and trading buttons (which is understandable), but ended up following too many sites/people i could realistically care about, as is usually the way with social media

the more i found myself following4follow / noticed people following me without heeding my warnings, the more i realized personal website culture was not the selective, curated, personalized thing i wanted it to be. people, including me, are still just as susceptible to social media norms and people-pleasing urges in this new space.

(of course, maybe my expectations were a bit too high, lol.)

anyway. at heart i am a creature who enjoys much smaller circles, with people whose work inspires me and/or who i really connect with. i think i made a mistake by not, metaphorically, firing off gunshots to lower the rent – that is to say, maybe i should have been more forthcoming from the beginning that a) my cutesy pink site was not for everyone, and b) i was this much of a social hermit, even online... but i'm slowly learning to respect that about myself and not feel bad about drawing those lines. 

i think there's more i can do to decrease my visibility, and at some point i might take myself off of listings i'm on, or totally move and start fresh with a new site. but for now i think taking myself off the neocities feed is good! :) it means i have to check my friends' sites manually for any updates, but i already do that anyway lmao. i am sorry to friends who have to manually check for my updates... i might work on an rss feed if that's useful, but until it's requested, i'll park that idea to minimize visibility.

woo, very long diary entry as usual. i'm going to the east coast this month to visit some family and friends and go to my first ever con, so i'll probably be back to talk about that! i hope everyone's been well and is staying warm.