comics and barbie and maybe i have adhd, oh my

wednesday, august 2, 2023

before anything else i wanted to share that i'm trying my absolute best to code this freaking. books page i want to have. but it's going to take me forever i know because i want to make writeups for each book... i'm trying to figure out a way to be less Tedious about things (like... you don't have to write something for EACH BOOK), but your girl is nothing if not a completionist.

here is what it looks like so far. i might code something else while i'm stuck trying to de-tedify (?) it.

ok anyway!

i got into a comic anthology recently! i applied to it way back in october of last year – it got put on hold for a while, but recently the organizer's gotten to a place where they're ready to push through with it, and they sent me an email accepting my pitch. yay!!!

this is my first ever anthology so i'm very excited and a little nervous. it's a paid gig (hooray) and about something dear to me (asexuality) so that doubles the feeling. i haven't done a Legit Comic in a while... most of the ones i do are silly offhand ones, meant to be posted in a photoset or not really planned out. i want this one to be thought out and intentional, with panels and pacing that feel right for the story. (it's fiction too, which i haven't done since... high school?!)

honestly i dont know if comic making will ever come naturally to me. i like it SO much – i love having the output regardless of how good/bad it might be, love when it resonates with other people, love cutting up a silly fun goof into beats to make sure it hits. but i'm impatient and don't like how long it takes to go from concept to final output lol... the process intimidates me still. but i'm glad to have an opportunity like this that give me an excuse to sit down and be thoughtful about my work. not that my offhand comics are bad or something i'm ashamed of! i love them. i'd just like to have more comics that represent the range of what i can do, i guess. stuff i can really be happy to say i made.

hmm as an aside...... the other day i shared a preview of a silly comic i was drawing about my organization style, and a friend responded point blank "i think u have adhd." i am embarrassed to say it sent me into a SPIRAL LMFAO... i know they meant no harm, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with having adhd (and in recent years i've seriously wondered if i had it!). it just kind of felt like reality slapped me in the face when my intentions for the comic were like "haha silly."

(like please at least say something nice about the comic too to soften the reality check... T__T lol)

i don't know. you know the feeling when something is okay if other people have/do it, but it's not okay if it's you? that's the thought i have about adhd. but maybe some of the spiraling might also be because of internalized fear of being neurodivergent, and while my asian household is liberal by many standards there are some ingrained beliefs you can't outrun.

eh. i'm wrangling with it. it's not the first time i've been told as much, but both times have been by people i know strictly online, too. (the other time was even from someone i had JUST MET on that call which was - wow okay!) i guess i just... don't like having assumptions made about me like that in such an indelicate way. not that you can't know a person well from how they are online, but in these two particular contexts, i just feel like i've been Headcanoned. which is an odd thing to do to a real person. feels uncomfortable to know people perceive me!

another thing is that i also know a lot of symptoms are based on your childhood, and whenever i seriously pondered my having it, i'd always look at the list of signs of children with adhd and really... not relate to them. i was neither inattentive nor hyperactive.

BUT i ended up looking up signs of masking adhd and lol. lmao even.

calling in sick to avoid situations... feeling like doing anything not of interest is pulling teeth... being sick from bottled-up emotions... OBSESSIVELY CREATING SYSTEMS (this one especially!!!!!)

i actually had to laugh as i went down this list. their headcanons might be canon after all...

anyway, i still think it's kind of a wild thing to say to someone, but i also know my reaction was a little much for something well-intentioned from a friend. but anyway. i'm slowly making peace with it. and greta gerwig has adhd apparently so, you know. i have that.

barbie was really fun by the way!!! i watched it twice in theaters. i dressed up the first time when i went with my friends, and the second time i was coming from work so i was slightly less dressed up but still in pink. i think there are a lot of valid criticisms about it, and i would probably have a lot to say too if i decided to make brainspace for it, but i just want to ride the high of how much it made me feel. "when did it end all the enjoyment" indeed!!

i think more than loving the movie itself, i loved seeing how people loved the movie. all the girl gangs and not-girl gangs (my friend group!) and families and couples dressed up... girls of all ages saying "hi barbie" to each other... i worried that where i live (not in the US) people wouldn't be as gimmicky about it but they were and it was truly so cute to see. i loved seeing people coming together, going for dinner after the movie, using it as an excuse to bond with the people in their lives (mostly other barbies, but also kens and allans). i like seeing girls talk about barbie online like it's the godfather.

it's also a piece of media my sister and i will classify as "things that make you love being a girl." like YEAH it shines a light on why being a girl sucks a lot of the time but it's also a celebration of it... i do really love being a girl!¹

and i hope we get more (pre-real world) ken-type love interests as a result of this movie. i don't know a single person who was not charmed by ken's utter devotion to barbie. it made sense for the barbie movie to not be a movie about romance, but i hope romance movie makers take fucking Note. "i only exist in the warmth of your gaze" is so insane.

ok that's my life. thanks for reading if you did!

1: sidenote... i hate that saying i love being a girl has been tainted by people who like to gatekeep girlhood? if me saying that alarmed anyone, i feel the need to say that if you also love being a girl i love you. if you hate being a girl i also love you. if you tear girls down and make girls feel shitty because of whatever silly reasons you have for not thinking them girls to be supported and loved, i do NOT love you